It rains so much in Bellingham. I was walking alone earlier. I can't say that I hated it, I love the feeling of being tickled gently on every square inch of my face and hands. I also can't say that I love it, there's just something about the quiet murmurs of rain drops that makes it impossible to not get stuck inside my head.
I tend to let my mind wander when I'm by myself, I end up getting lost inside my thoughts. Very bitter thoughts, actually. They seem to have lost their sugary sweet taste. In my thoughts I become more deeply contemplative about my life, what it is and what it could have been. Now I can't tell you that I have no regrets, although I like to play it tough and say that I never do. I just don't love the idea of dwelling in the past, or at least that's what I would say to you.
I tend to let my mind wander when I'm by myself, I end up getting lost inside my thoughts. Very bitter thoughts, actually. They seem to have lost their sugary sweet taste. In my thoughts I become more deeply contemplative about my life, what it is and what it could have been. Now I can't tell you that I have no regrets, although I like to play it tough and say that I never do. I just don't love the idea of dwelling in the past, or at least that's what I would say to you.
I know you wonder why I say I hurt so much inside. Sometimes I don't understand it for myself. To start, nineteen days ago would be the anniversary of a murder we all deny to plead guilty. It hurts, the dreams I still have to this date. Sometimes I wonder if I am now completely alone, the only person left on this planet who still recalls the emotional thrusts, the swaying motion of time spinning backwards and life undone. Sometimes I wonder how chaotic I've came to be.
Now moving on, I don't understand why I can easily allow others to hurt me so much. They say what can't kill you makes you stronger, but I feel like if I were to repeat the last two years of my life, I would have still sat there and endure every verbal abuse that were thrown at me, taken in every body slams against the hard cold walls and give in to my hope that love will pull me through. I thought that by walking away and closing that chapter of my life ,I have thickened my shield and no one would ever be able to break down my guard as easy as the last. But I am more wrong than I could ever be. Love was such an easy thing for me to give.... so I have opened my heart again before the previous scar had even healed. Now it pains me to know that there is a possibility that I won't ever make it out of here a complete person.
Of all the many problems I have managed bestow upon myself, there is one that hurts me so much more. Loss. I can't prevent loss, neither can I deal with it. I have never experienced tears the way I have in the past week of my life. I have never witnessed a person pouring painful buckets of tears for a good long hour, until I saw my face in the mirror last Sunday afternoon. I stared at her picture for so long I came to wonder if doing so would bring her back.
There's a particular pace that our world spins in that makes it incredibly hard to speed walk past our problems. It's as if the motion and the timing is particularly paced the way it is so that we have to stop and analyze every painful aspect of our lives, whether or not we want to. In a city where it rains back every feeling and emotion I've ever felt, I wonder where I should go to channel all this pain. I can only do what I do best. Grasp onto laughter. Eventually all these feelings will subside.
There's a particular pace that our world spins in that makes it incredibly hard to speed walk past our problems. It's as if the motion and the timing is particularly paced the way it is so that we have to stop and analyze every painful aspect of our lives, whether or not we want to. In a city where it rains back every feeling and emotion I've ever felt, I wonder where I should go to channel all this pain. I can only do what I do best. Grasp onto laughter. Eventually all these feelings will subside.
